Hurt

I caused unintentional hurt to my girlfriend. Like i said our situation is difficult. She is going through some hard stuff now. I feel it is my fault.  I never meant to hurt her.

My anxiety has taken it to the level of if I had stayed away or seen this coming. She wouldn’t have gotten hurt.

Idk what to do, how to help. My heads going a mile a minute and not thinking straight. I’m just lost. I say it’s my fault this happened because it is true. I shouldn’t have caught feelings. She was with someone. I should have stayed away. I never wanted to hurt her and now I have.

My journal wasn’t good enough for me tonight I need to blog. Sorry random rant.

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I NEED OUT!!!

I need out of this house. Two days ago a fight broke out and then tonight with my mom telling me I shouldn’t post things about me being with a girl because people aren’t fully accepting and for future jobs. She loves my girlfriend, so I don’t understand.

I am currently sleeping with my door locked because of the fight 2 days ago. I am petrified. I went to my girlfriends yesterday to spend our one month together. I cried when I had to leave because I am scared to be home. I hate being here. I hate reliving my childhood every day with this family. Sadly, I am part time and I have three dogs that I can move somewhere easily. I am looking for a job closer to my girlfriend.

Emotionally, I can’t do this. I want to give up and turn my emotions off. But I think of my girl and I instantly want to keep fighting.

I know she may read this. BABE, I am fine I promise!

Night Struggle : Pain and Muscle ticks

Tonight is really bad pain day for me. My muscles will not stop. I can’t get comfortable. My legs are my biggest issue right now,

Sleep and I don’t see much of each other. I have tried so many things to help but nothing is working.

I have rubber-band syndrome which makes me extremely flexible.  Night time I struggle a lot  I may write more. I am so tired .

Working

For me Working, was never a choice. I always had to. Even when I have 5 doctors telling me that I shouldn’t be. They always said if you can find joy in the little things you do and make money do that. But to my family my little joys, are just that little joys. Nothing will come of them.

When my new counselor (trauma counselor) found out about my health and job. She said why the hell are you working? I just started laughing. I never had a choice. Right now, I’m actually being told I need a second job. But I also need to train more. Im really stressed out tonight.

My little joys are taking care of dogs, training dogs, sewing (Mostly gear for my service dog) and most of all  my writing. I love putting things on paper or on the internet. Just letting the words flow out of me. I am far from good. but I love to do all of these things. When I was up in college I was offered to be a training assistant at our local Pet trainers’ shop. I though I was so lucky but I realize now how much I despise the way he trained. he built on fear.

I worked for school newspapers and loved working with them. I had so much fun but my favorite part of writing is when I can show someone a way they can use writing to deal with their mental health. If I didn’t have my writing I don’t know where I would be. I have someone now that holds me together, I hope and pray I never become to much for her.

I am hoping maybe things will keep getting better and I will see some light to my work path.

My freedom and safety

My freedom lays with you

My safety is found with in you

You give me choices

You give me freedom

My love is with you

The love I feel comes from you

How did I get so lucky?

For all the darkness in my life

You give me light.

This may not make sense to everyone. But my girlfriend has freed me from A lot. She has continued to show me that I have someone on my side. She supports me to continue going for me dreams. She gave me a reason to push on.

Rant on vacation

So I’m on vacation. Which if you know my family isn’t really a vacation for me. Anyways I out of state with family and my service dog we are doing a lot of one on one training. 🙂

Well shit went loose tonight. We went to Texas Roadhouse. Walmart for the first time with my service dog. Came out to fireworks that trigger me. Then my phone was blowing up with texts from an asshole. I have told this guy to stop talking to me for over a month now. I block him on my phone wish is temporary apparently.

What I don’t get is how he thinks this ok. Mentally I’m drained from my night alone then this. I’m like fuck it. I’m tired of this shit. He thinks it’s ok to continue to text me and tell me things. I’ve told him to stop so many times. This is ridiculous. Why do people think this is ok. This is harassment. I never involve people in this shit. But I finally did. And I’m happy I did. My girlfriend stepped in. She got him to stop. I’m thankful. I’ve also never had anyone stand up for me like that.

She agree it’s harassment and that it needed to stop. Thank you babe.

Over stimulating rant

When I go out to restaurants I can’t handle going out with my entire family. This stresses me and over stimulates me. Currently we r at a restaurant I hate. It’s so loud and my family is just not great at doing dinners.

I hate being this way. I can sit in a restaurant for about three minutes with my family and already have a panic attack which I am forced to hide because I can’t react out in public. Currently we are out and I’m to the point I’m about to cry because I’m tired of this. I can’t handle this.

I’m stressed to the point I’m snapping. I’m tired of being forced to do this. Oh an on top of this. When we do this, I’m not allowed to bring my service dog Bc half of my family hate them. 😦 I’m done and I still have to do fucking errands with my parents.

Girlfriend

Currently, I am dating a girl. There are a lot of things that are so different. with her. I can talk to her about anything. She makes me feel safe ad happy. Being with her helped me stop cutting. I am still clean. We have been dating for less than a week and I have been clean since I met her. I don’t want to fuck up with her. I don’t have to be scared to tell her what is on my mind like I did with others.

She makes me stronger. She makes me want to be better and strong. She makes me

I have never felt what I feel for her. I thought I knew love before but with her I truly believe in love. I truly feel like someone love me and cares for me. She wants to keep me safe. She wants me for me. I have never had that.

She is the reason I am alive. I want her to be in my life forever.

I plan to make things work no matter what. She is my forever.

I’m done(depression and anxiety)

I’m so tired of my depression and anxiety. My family pushed me yesterday and today. I’m crying. I want to give up so bad. I just don’t want to try or feel.

I’ve wanted to turn my feeling off for a long time but idk how to do that without turn them completely off. And I can’t do that to my girlfriend. She’s amazing. And I truly care for her I don’t want to hurt her ever.

I just need the depression to stop