Some writings I’ve been doing

I miss u.

I love u.

I wish I was in ur arms safe and sound.

But instead I’m stuck in this house

A house that hates me

That slowly crushes me

A house that I am not safe in

I don’t need protection

I like it yes

But I need support and strength

You give that to me.

You love me for me

Not for someone I try to be

You make me smile and laugh

You make me brace and strong

You are mine and I am yours.

My past does not define me.

It made me stronger for my future- able to withstand

it.

It made me strong enough to pursue a life worth living.

It gave me the fundamentals to pursue and create a real life.

My past is my past,

it will not be held against me.

Instead my past is what I stand on as I get ready to fly.

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Current living situation

Currently I’m still living with my family. This house isn’t good for me mentally or physically. Mentally because They cause so much of my anxiety which can lead to a minor TIA.

Physically because I’m pushed and pushed. But also I currently have mold in my room which I’m allergic too. And if it gets severe enough I have my lungs close off. But I also live with a smoker which I am also allergic too.

I constantly can’t wait to leave. I just need out. But that takes time. I can’t live alone either. Or else I go deep depression. So I’m screwed.

Dear parent

Dear mom and dad,

I know you have a hard time accepting that I’m moving out and growing up.

But I need to leave. I need out. I can’t handle all of the drama and control you all have over me.

I can’t handle the stress that I have because of all you. I have issues mentally and physically. I know you worried about my health.

I need to do this. I need to grow up. I love you but I need this.

You girl.

Perceived as…

All my life I have been perceived as things. Many things for example: fragile, dramatic, good girl, obedient and weak. My biggest one not listed before is happy.

I have been told when people don’t know me they see me as a happy person and that I have everything figured out. At one point I had someone looking up to me for that. But I don’t have everything together. Rather I am still learning and I am not always happy. I can put a fake face on. Act like I’m ok. But in most cases I am hiding the feeling of I’m dying on the inside. I push myself to go one.

My family and friends that know me very well, say I’m fragile and weak. Family says I’m dramatic. Maybe they are right, I always want to be there for others but at times I go dark about things. I’ve been told being fragile will never going away. I am always going to be fragile. Even when I try my hardest to be strong.

For once I want to be strong feeling and show it.

Big changes are coming.

I got a job that I absolutely love. And can’t wait to start.

I’m moving in with my best friend who also happens to be my girlfriend.

I’m so excited. This is a big step for me because I have always lived with my family and never tried to move out due to fear of my family. I will not go into details. But I’ve always been scared. Yes in a way I still am. But I know this is a good move for me.

I know I will have certain challenges in the future. But I need to face those to continue in my life. I still have moments I go dark. Really bad. But I am working on controlling them. I have rescue meds and techniques to ground myself.

I think if I’m out of the house and my current area, I’ll feel better and definitely safer. I will be going from three to one dog. I have to rehome my baby girl. But she needs it. I want what’s best for her.

Halo

“Halo”

Usage of azlyrics.com content by any third-party lyrics provider is prohibited by our licensing agreement. Sorry about that. I never promised you a ray of light

I never promised there’d be sunshine every day

I give you everything I have

The good, the bad

Why do you put me on a pedestal?

I’m so up high that I can’t see the ground below

So help me down you’ve got it wrong

I don’t belong there

One thing is clear

I wear a halo

I wear a halo when you look at me

But standing from here

You wouldn’t say so

You wouldn’t say so if you were me

And I, I just want to love you

Oh oh I, I just want to love you

I always said that I would make mistakes

I’m only human and that’s my saving grace

I fall as hard as I try

So don’t be blinded

See me as I really am

I have flaws and sometimes I even sin

So pull me from that pedestal

I don’t belong there

One thing is clear

I wear a halo

I wear a halo when you look at me

But standing from here

You wouldn’t say so

You wouldn’t say so if you were me

And I, I just want to love you

Oh oh I, I just want to love you

Like to think that you know me

But in your eyes

I am something above

It’s only in your mind

Only in your mind

I wear a, I wear a, I wear a halo

One thing is clear

I wear a halo

I wear a halo when you look at me

But standing from here

You wouldn’t say so

You wouldn’t say so if you were me

And I, I just want to love you

Oh oh I, I just want to love you

I just wanna love you

This song i heard when i was 13 i believe. It was in one tree hill. This song plays to my life so well. In my family i have always been held at a different standard and assumed to be the good girl. But when I fail, i FALL hard. Its bad.

I have mental issues and i am told that i just need to think positive but its not that easy why cant any one see that. Sorry short post a another one soon.

Dark thoughts.

I thought I was doing ok. Guess I wasn’t. I always freed hurting the person I love. And I did tonight. I’m cutting myself off for awhile I guess. I never wanted to hurt them but I keep doing it.

My head is now in a darker place and thinking horrible things. This is not the way I was hoping to be. I don’t even know what to write here anymore. Right now all I know is I’m going darker. And thinking worse when all I wish I could do is show them they aren’t hurting me. They are helping me. But I keep fucking up so I guess I’m done. I need to cope and writing isn’t help. So idk what I’m going to do. I’m sorry for this shit. But this is me on a bad night.

This coming week

This coming week, is going to be different for me. I’m currently home alone. Hoping my girlfriend will visiting. I’m taking care of two house and 4 dogs. Oh and working three jobs. I’m excited to be home alone. Not worrying about every one else. I miss living alone.

But also this week is my girlfriend and i birthday and it’s also is four month anniversary. She is the send person to deal with me this long. I’m petrified for when 6 months comes. Bc that when I hurt people.

Anyway getting back to this week. I’m working and living on my own. My dogs seem to have stepped up guard duty. But thats them. Hopefully this week goes well.

Recently.

Life is never easy for anyone.

Recently with a lot of things going on. Recently I noticed, as some of my most recent trauma is still unfolding. I have become very open about my past with some meaning mostly my family and girlfriend. I never wanted to share about my past.

There’s no point. But for so long I believed everything somehow was made up in my head. All of my sexual, verbal, mentally and physical assaults were made up or my misinterpretation. My biggest one being my family and how they are. I thought It was just me with my anxiety and making things worse in my head. But as I have talked to someone from the outside looking in on everything. They have told me it’s not made up. It’s not me. For once I was told it wasn’t me.

I’m almost 23 and I have blamed myself for everything. I still do to a degree. As more things come to light of my past I want to crumble or cry. My ptsd has been so bad I haven’t slept well. I’m having nightmares worse. But I’m also getting through my past. I’m still being told I need a coping mechanism by my family and sarcastically I say I’ll go back to cutting. Before my girlfriend. I would but with her I don’t want to. I text her first. Shes been there and talked me out of a full panic attack.

Recently shown to me, things that happen that we think is horrible. Can lead to ya being stronger than we think. I don’t think I’m personally strong but I’m trying to be. I’m trying to get over my past and stop holding grudges. It’s going to the be tough. I realized I slipped back into saying I’m sorry a lot. I’m going to have to work on that yet again.

Will be writing another post. Soon.